Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
