i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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