I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Found your dick twin last night
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
