Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
