been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
