my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
