We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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