My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
