Whatcha textin bout Willis?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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