dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
the night ended with taco bell and tears
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
