She announced her abortion via fbk
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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