I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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