Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
