Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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