Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
