ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
