he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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