the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
