I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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