Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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