i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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