So drunk, too bad you don't want this
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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