im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
