My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
