did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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