Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
