i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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