She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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