last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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