You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
