Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
