I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize