Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
