i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Your penis caused this!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
