If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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