dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
