Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
