I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
