Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
