I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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