I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
