laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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