Need sex. Gaining weight.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
