I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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