Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
