I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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