i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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