guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize
