well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
