he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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