I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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