Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
