worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Drunk is a universal language darling
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
