I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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