I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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