Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
