You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
