Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
