hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
