he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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