Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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